"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." - Brene Brown
Yesterday, I took a look at my calendar for the week and realized that I had completely overcommitted myself, which is ironic, considering my blog this week is about boundaries. I had to muster up the courage to actually reach out to a few of the people on my calendar and ask for forgiveness and request a reschedule. It certainly wasn't ideal, but the alternative was worse...the potential to be late to everything on my calendar or not even make it at all. Or, even worse, I would have taken a hit on my mental health trying my best to fit it all in.
Knowing that this week was all about boundaries, I knew I had to take my own advice and walk the talk. Managing my work/home calendar is probably the biggest boundary in my life at the moment that I struggle with. Setting boundaries is about prioritizing your own mental health and happiness, instead of trying to please everyone around you. Without boundaries, we can experience negative emotions such as burnout, anxiety and even shame, just to name a few.
Let's take a look at a few types of boundaries that we all have the tendency to struggle with:
Physical – What are the boundaries of your personal space? At what physical distance do you begin to feel that others are infringing upon your personal space? At what point does physical touch become invasive?
Emotional – How much of yourself (your time, your presence, your ear) are you willing to share with others before you feel drained and unable to focus on your own needs?
Sexual – What feels comfortable for you in an intimate relationship? How quickly do you warm up to others in intimate situations?
Time – What are your boundaries when it comes to being late for events or meetings? What are your boundaries for taking meetings on your calendar if you are in a leadership position of if you are in high demand from a boss? How many hours each day are you willing to put into work and how many hours do you require home with your family?
Intellectual – Where are your boundaries when it comes to deeper or more intellectual conversations, before you start to feel uncomfortable? What is your comfort level when it comes to arguments or even friendly banter with others?
Financial – How comfortable are you spending money on yourself or others? What are your financial thresholds for spending? Are you comfortable going to dinners or events with friends or family that are $50/event, $100/event, $200/event or do you have an unlimited budget when it comes to spending?
Now that we have identified the various types of boundaries, here are 7 Steps to setting boundaries in the areas you have identified are most important to you:
Identify the boundary in the above list you are working on. Are you focusing on physical, emotional, sexual, time, intellectual or financial boundaries for the purpose of this exercise?
Identify details of what that boundary looks like. Boundaries will only work if you have a clear idea of what your boundaries are. Take some time to sit down and brainstorm what the rules of your boundary are that you will not cross. Example…if your boundaries are time at work, you may set a boundary to not take calls before 9am or after 5pm.
Set boundaries early in a situation or relationship. Make sure that others are aware of your boundaries. Example...you block your calendar off before 9am and after 5pm each day, so no one can schedule meetings or calls with you during that time.
Practice saying no. It is important that if someone infringes on your boundaries, you are firm, yet kind, about telling them "no." If you do not enforce your boundaries and learn to say "no," you are conditioning others to take advantage of you. Practice saying "no" first to close family and friends by telling them you are practicing on saying "no" and allowing them to support and encourage you.
Remember that boundaries about you, not them. Understand that you are setting boundaries for YOU, not THEM. Because boundaries are for you, practice using 1st person when communicating with others about your needs. Example..."I need to focus on myself and have some open blocks in my schedule." Or, "I need to cut my day off at 5pm as a promise to my family."
Be consistent. Once you determine the boundaries you would like to establish, be consistent when following through. Consistency is the only way others will really understand you are serious and not take advantage of you. You must condition others to follow the rules you have for yourself and that begins with consistency.
Remember that boundaries evolve and change. Understand that it is ok if you would like to adjust your boundaries. Be sure to make it clear that these are your boundaries for now, but give yourself grace if you decide that you would like to alter them at a later date. We always have to be agile in life, because circumstances change, but be clear to others that these are your boundaries right now.
Are you ready to set some clearer boundaries and get your life back to your terms? I encourage you all to create a plan to set boundaries for your life TODAY. As they say, "Tomorrow you will wish you had started today!" Don't delay another day when it comes to your own freedom and happiness.
In pursuit of boundaries,
Erin